I am Me!

In order to become a better me, I need to own up to who I am - stop pretending to be something I'm not. To help me with this, I've decided to right now, right here, write down exactly who I am.

I am Shelby Ane McKellar Hawkes. 

Wife. Daughter. Sister. Friend. 

I am an introvert. Always have been, and may very well always will be. Let me explain what this means. I am not a fan of being in crowds. If there is a lot of people, I will shy away. It's nothing personal, it's just how I am. I would prefer to be with a few choice people at a time. I will sometimes say no to going out with you, but it is because I am in need of re-charging, and to re-charge, I prefer to be alone. Nothing personal. I am shy when I first meet you. It is hard for me to immediately open up unless I make a strong connection with you. Dallas and I knew each other years before we started to date. I even really disliked him for a while. What changed? I made a connection. Our dads are really good friends. I found that out, and opened up to him. 

I want to apologize to everyone who feels that I have ever disliked them in any way, especially because of this. I am not trying to be stuck up, I am not suggesting any disgust towards you. I'm simply quiet and shy. It will take me a while to open up. I do not hate you. I don't dislike you. I probably like you. I may even absolutely adore you. But I am shy. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to try to change that. 

It is who I am. 

I am a daughter of God. I am Mormon, and not afraid to be so. I love the Gospel, I love my Savior, I love my life - the life that He gave me and guided me to. The life He blessed me with. I am active. I believe in my religion totally and completely. 

I do not watch R-Rated movies. I do not drink alcohol of any kind. I do not drink coffee or tea. I don't do any sort of drugs. I don't have tattoos. I don't participate in sexual activities outside of my marriage.

If you are different from me and my beliefs, I will not judge you. I will not condemn you. I will not scorn you. This is my life and my choices, and yours is your life and your choices. 

I welcome any friendship to anyone and everyone, even if I am shy at first.

I love to dress up. I hate taking a long time to get ready (30 minutes = too long). I love to clean. I love to lounge. I love to be with my husband. I love culture. I love nature.
My favorite color is pink. I love working with finances. My hair is currently brunette. My eyes are hazel. I love my name. I love modeling. 

I am a college student. I love to learn. I get frustrated with my classes. 

I want so dearly to be a mother. I am afraid of not being able to become a mother. I love children and always have. I want to be everyone's favorite babysitter and first choice as a babysitter. If I could play with babies, toddlers, and children all day, I would. 

I am afraid to talk with people I don't know well. I would prefer texting/e-mailing/blogging/facebook before calling & talking. I am afraid of confrontation. I would prefer to keep the peace, to let things go, to forgive and forget. 

I want to be open with everyone, for everyone to understand me and for me to understand them. 

I want to be a good example. I want to make correct decisions in my life. I want to be able to please all of my friends, family (immediate, extended, and in-laws all included), and acquaintances, but I simply cannot. I will do my best, but I have to be true to myself as well. 

I am hurt when people feel that I don't like them or when they don't like me and wish I could fix that. I would prefer to be your friend than your enemy or even acquaintance. 

I too often try to fit in rather than be myself because I feel others will like that better. But it isn't who I am. I should be myself, because more often than not, people like that better.

I don't have a quirky, cute, crazy personality. My best girl friend does. She's crazy and I'm calm. Who says that's supposed to make us clash? She's still my best friend. 

I wish I could keep in touch so much better with all of my friends and keep our friendships close. I'll be honest. I can't. I can't call/text every single one of you every single day. I wish I could. It doesn't change the fact that you are still my good friend. 

It makes me sad when people judge others and put others down. I saw it too much in high school. I see it too much still. There's no need for it. There's no reason to do it. I won't pretend I'm not guilty, but I am and do try to be so much better about it. 

Something I've noticed in recent years that has changed about me is that I no longer let others thoughts and judgments change my judgment. 

I love all of you. I love the friendships I have. I love the family I have. I love my husband with all of my heart. I love my Savior even more. 

I am Shelby. I am a Daughter of God. 

I am me.